gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
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He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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