I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Randomize
