"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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