woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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