hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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