I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
should my penis look like a turkey
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
