Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
