Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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