So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
