I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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