it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
