the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
Randomize
