just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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