At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
