I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
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