No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Randomize
