I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
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