just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
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