just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
