First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
