It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Randomize
