I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Randomize
