I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
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My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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