Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
i love accidental penises.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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