dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
