she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
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