I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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