i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
