Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Randomize
