Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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