I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
