i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
