i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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