so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
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