Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
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