we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
