Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Randomize
