Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Someone came in the potted fern
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
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