i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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