The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
