just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
