sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
