Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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