I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
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