my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
