i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
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