Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.