i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
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She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
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Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
That's what I'm talking about
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?