she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
sarcasm needs its own font
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
