Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends