Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Are we still banned from the library?
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
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