I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
