Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
