Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
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