so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Randomize
