he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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