theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Are we still banned from the library?
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
