That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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