My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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