I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
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