I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
