Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
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You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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