i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
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